7. How to Work with Just About Anyone: A 3-Step Solution for Getting Difficult People to Change - Lucy Gill

Step 1: Identify what is the primary problem? (by answering these questions)
Who is doing
what that presents a problem,
to whom, and
how is this behaviour a problem?
-This tells you precisely what you are trying to change, not some nebulous "he has a bad temper" and it's hopeless situation.

Step 2: Answering the question: What have you been doing about your problem so far? (what specific solution you keep repeating that has become your part in the dance (the more you..., the more they do the same annoying things). Identify it (your ineffective solution) and what to do instead.
-try the opposite of what you've been doing
Ineffective solutions:
1) repeatedly urging them to change
 a. tell someone not to change; b. create consequences or let the natural consequences occur; c. urge  someone to do the annoying actions even more p.104
2) trying to talk them into liking your request
3) demanding acknowledgement that you're right
4) using the indirect approach: the more we tell ourselves to 'just ignore it', the stronger our resentment grows. And bc our resentment keeps growing, we're likely to poke and prod in indirect ways: we hint about what they should change, we make a general comment to everyone instead of speaking directly to the offending individual, we speak in generalities about the problem or we avoid the person entirely.
5)trying to conquer your fear with endless preparation

Step 3: Solutions
pp. 146-163

28-30 Dec 2016
New York: Fireside, 1999.